Word Splooge

So I have come up with a new term to add to my many “isms”, though, I might be taking credit for someone else’s work.  So the term is “Word-Splooge,” and yeah, it’s as dirty as it sounds.  It applies to situations where someone says the absolute right thing to you at exactly the right moment that it creates a feeling inside you that brings you instant resolution for present problems (because they don’t matter anymore) and also gives you indescribable hope for the future.  Also, you should be pretty sure you just creamed your pants. 

Similar to actual sploogeing, it only ends badly.  As you have your hopes risen for the lamest of reasons, the speaker then makes you regret ever having faith in that person altogether.  I’ve had this happen so many times, though, I think it’s more my fault because I have a natural tendency to over-think things anyways.

So there I was, sitting by myself in a Tucson sushi restaurant when this beautiful brunette woman walks up to me.  Let me slow this down for you because this is exactly how it played out in my head.  So I’m drinking tea from my cup (no straw..  apparently they were out of them) when I look up and notice this woman is walking towards me.  “OMG! She’s gorgeous!” was my first thought.  “Holy crap, is she looking at me?  ARE WE MAKING EYE CONTACT?!?”  were my second and third thoughts. 

There was a moment of awkwardness then.  I might have made a surprised look on my face during my third thought, like shit like this never happens to me.  Admittedly so, it doesn’t..  I’m just throwing that out there for clarity.  I’m not exactly pimpin’ it, aight?  Just then, I notice her outfit is business casual.  Still, everything about her apparel said “I’m sexy and I know it” just by the way her skirt and blouse gently accented the curves of her body. 

At this point I’m desperately trying to keep eye contact even though I’m sure she saw that I’ve given her a quick once-over.  Yet as she approached me she kept a friendly-face on, like I was some sort of celeb.  I couldn’t blame her, though.  I was wearing my suit because it was business formal day in class.  So, yeah, I was GQ-ing it. 

Her lips started moving.  Oh, those lips!  Dark red and screaming of danger..  I may have just missed every word she said.  No wait..  I did!  At this point, I’m sure I creamed my pants, though I can’t be sure because of the tea that landed on me as I tried to spit a chunk of ice back into my cup - I couldn’t have looked like a bigger idiot!!!!!!  “I’m sorry, what was that?” I ask her as I try to regain cool points all-the-while desperate to find out if what she just said was worth it.

“I said, ‘Would you like another tea?’” she replied to my dismay. 

This is the point where I break the imaginary 4^th wall and glare into the camera recording every FML moment of my life.  “Yes, I do believe I would.  And can you please bring some extra napkins?”