I write about whatever inspires me. You'll find that I mainly write about current events, but once in a while, I'll throw in a personal blog to mix it up. I hope you enjoy my blog, and if you do, feel free to share my posts!
Over the week, I have read your tirades, I have beared your flawed opinions, and I admittedly have come close, real close, to falling for your more compelling and emotional responses to the recent Nike ad featuring frontman, Colin Kaepernick. Now I'm afriad I'm going to have to show you why it's all bullshit.
For starters, you've missed the message entirely
In 2016, Colin Kaepernick started his protest, in his words, for "people that don’t have a platform to talk and have their voices heard, and effect change. " In his early protest, he said his greivance was because the "country wasn't holding up its end of the bargain." What he's referring to is that systemic racism is holding certain communities from "liberty and justice for all." He even pointed out that if our troops are fighting to provide those freedoms, then ironically, they are fighting in vain.
"I have great respect for the men and women that have fought for this country. I have family, I have friends that have gone and fought for this country. And they fight for freedom, they fight for the people, they fight for liberty and justice, for everyone. That’s not happening. People are dying in vain because this country isn’t holding their end of the bargain up, as far as giving freedom and justice, liberty to everybody."
His protest only gained steam from there, and with it, further division from so-called patriots. But why? Because you consider kneeling during the anthem disrespect? Well, he used to sit on the bench and then U.S. Army Veteran, and former NFL player, Nate Boyer compelled him to start kneeling during the anthem instead as a symbol of REVERENCE and RESPECT, while still keeping the meaning of his protest.
So here's the deal. The message was never about disrespect toward the flag OR the troops. The message was about holding the Flag, Anthem, and the values it is supposed to represent to the standards that we should ALL get... but aren't.
So, why Nike?
Close to 2 years later, and for most of that time, Colin Kaepernick has NOT had a soap box from which to perch, until...
I swear, put the guy on an ad, and the whole world turns to shit.
At this point, if you're boycotting Nike, it isn't because you're still mad about Kaepernick's alleged disrespect towards the flag because Nike has nothing to do with any of the Anthem ceremonies in the NFL. Let's be honest. You're mad because Colin Kaeperick has a voice again.
Oops!
This means you're either supremely petty and just mad at Colin Kaepernick, or you disagree with his message. If you disagree with his message, then just call it that. At least the rest of the world will know that you're choosing your ignorance when presented with their oppression.
Oops again!
But Colin's Pig Socks!
Yes, "Pig" is a term for dirty cops. It is NOT a derogatory term for policemen. And if being anti-dirty cops, makes you anti-cop, then...
The fact that protests against police abuse toward the black community has sown the seeds of counter protests like "Blue Lives Matter" only implicates that there is indeed an issue with relations between police and the black community.
Look. I get your argument that black people are more apt to commit a crime, but those statistics are flawed if you look at the underlying reasons why people of any race are prone to commit crime.
Yes. Poverty. Studies have shown that regardless of race, disadvantaged neighborhoods showed greater rates of crime. The fact that these disadvantages are more prevalent in black neighborhoods is symptomatic of the systemic racism that has stirred these protests.
"Sacrifice"
Ohh! It's because they used the word "sacrifice." First off, it was never said directly that Colin Kaepernick sacrificed anything. It IS implied, and you all certainly took it that way, and the fact you went so off the rails over his picture in the background is comical. But sure, I'll entertain this point later.
Secondly, and most importantly, the military does not have a monopoly on "sacrifice." If that is the case, then so can things like bravery, honor, courage, and dedication (you get the point, right?) be monopolized. Your pedestaling of the military makes it hard for ordinary people to have nice things. Ordinary citizens are just as capable of displaying every one of those qualities, just without the fancy retail discounts and parading. And it's not like the military are without their bad apples. There are wife-beaters currently serving in the military. There are rapists currently serving in the military. The military even has its own gang problem. And let's not forget the enduring racism problem in... the... U.S. Military. So, just like everything else in society, the military is corruptible. Please stop putting its service members on a pedestal and remind everyone that they all still have to prove their worthiness of respect and adoration in our society.
Now if I haven't lost you yet, let's entertain that "first off." You are claiming that Colin Kaepernick hasn't sacrificed "anything." And to that I say, not only did he opt out of the last year of his guaranteed contract with the 49ers, but he also put his time and money where his mouth is OFF the field. That's millions of dollars donated to his foundation centered on teaching black youth what their rights are as citizens of this country, and how to interact with police. Can you imagine that? For someone who you claim to be "anti-police," he certainly seems interested in teaching black youth to handle police interactions SAFELY. He has also provided suits to underprivileged men so that they are more career ready. If that's not sacrifice enough for his activism, then I'd like to see you lead the way and be the example you'd like to see toward his cause.
Today is Guy Fawkes Night in the UK and despite its macabre nature, it is actually regarded more as a time for folks to hang out by the bonfire, eat sausages and drink beers, and watch some fucking fireworks! Honestly, that makes it sound very dull and American. There is a dark history behind the holiday that makes it the most badass holiday in the world. Here's what makes it so.
1. The Plot
It wasn't a good time to be Catholic in England in the late 1500s. Under Queen Elizabeth I, Catholics were heavily repressed, and many hoped that her successor would restore order for the Catholics. This did not happen under King James I, so a disgruntled group of Catholics thought, "You know what? We should kill him and kidnap his daughter, instill her with our values, make HER the new monarch, and FORCE HER TO MARRY a Catholic."
And the other Catholics were like "Hells yeah, man! How are we going to do this? Sword? Poison? Gun?"
"Nah fool! We'll blow the mufukuh up in his own house, like a real G!"
And they were merry and jovial, and it was good.
2. The Guido
It was at this point that they recruited the natural badass, Guy Fawkes, to carry out this outlandish plot soon to be called the "Gunpowder Plot." But who was this guy and fellow conspirator? To make it short, he was a well-educated, military-trained master of badassery. It was said of him that he was "a man of action, capable of intelligent argument as well as physical endurance, somewhat to the surprise of his enemies."
He had already spent the last decade fighting in the fucking EIGHTY YEARS WAR for Spain against Protestant rebels, and it was during this time that he started going by the Spanish adaptation of his name. You can imagine the hatred he had of King James I, who had condemned Catholicism as superstition.
To pull this off, he worked in secrecy, going by the name of John Johnson. He wasn't the most imaginative guido. They had purchased the lease to a cellar that led directly underneath the House of Lords, and started packing it up with as much gunpowder to blast the house and king all the way to the moon! The plan would have worked too, if it weren't for those pesky sympathizers that wrote a note to parliament, exposing their plans.
3. The Almost Foiled Execution
At the outcome of their trial, Attorney General Sir Edward Coke declared that each conspirator was to be hung and quartered; a common execution style of that day. He made sure that their execution would be especially humiliating stating that they would be "put to death halfway between heaven and earth as unworthy of both."
On January 31 1606, the Guido watched as 2 of his co-conspirators were hung and mutilated (while barely alive), then dismembered so that their body parts could be distributed to the four corners of the kingdom. Fawkes was the last to stand on the scaffold. He shared a few words to the king (which I can only imagine were "Fuck you, you Scottish bastard!"), climbed as high as he could while rope dangled from his neck, and in one final act of defiance - he leaped and broke his neck ; escaping the same fate that befell his other comrades.
4. We're Not Even Celebrating the Right Guy
The best part about this entire holiday is that Guy Fawkes wasn't even the mastermind. Rather, the credit of this brilliant idea goes to Mr. Robert Catesby, a well-educated descendant of a gentry family that had taken part in two failed attempts to rebel against Queen Elizabeth I. So, why is the celebration named after his underling?
Another pert of the plot was to travel to the English midlands and ATTEMPT to rouse a rebellion against London. Obviously that failed too, but as the group of Catholic conspirators were cornered in a stronghold in Staffordshire, instead of give himself in to captivity, the fearless leader decided to fight back. He was ultimately killed in the ensuing gunfight.
Many suppose the reason this holiday bears Fawkes' likeness is that Fawkes was caught in the act, had to suffer days of torture, and finally revealed the other conspirators to the authorities. This entire holiday is to Segway into #5.
5. The Entire Holiday is Meant to Spread His Shame
Actually it was originally meant to celebrate the King's escape from the failed plot, but I like to think it means the same thing. Why else would effigies of Guy Fawkes be put in these bonfires? Also, why make bonfires celebratory? Is it because of the odd twist of fate that King James was supposed to go down in flames? If so, it makes for awesome and humiliating shame. It was as if English Parliament was simultaneously issuing a gigantic middle finger (or V-Sign in the UK) to the Fawkes for failing, turning his friends in, and being Catholic. There was a lot of bad blood between religions back then.
You're on your way to work, but you see the road ahead is covered in water. You have no way to know how deep the water is, but you've driven this path so many times before, even during heavy rain, so you are 80% sure you can make it through. Despite signs and barricades suggesting otherwise, you press on and the next thing you know, your car engine gets flooded and dies. You're now stuck in 3 feet of rushing water, and you're being swept away with the flood.
"But, sir! I could swear it wasn't that deep."
According to an Arizona law referred to as the "Stupid Motorists Law," you can be held liable for the costs of your own rescue. As stated by section 28-910 of the Arizona Revised Statutes, a person who is convicted of violating this law may be held liable for the costs of their rescue and charged an additional fine of no more than $2,000.00.
Why is this important today? Because southwest Arizona is about to be hit with a tropical depression. It isn't everyday that a storm worth mention hits Southern Arizona dead-on as this one will, but...
"Bitch, it's on!!"
Now, it's important to note that the "Stupid Motorists Law" is merely a deterrent, and very few people have actually been convicted. That being said, DO NOT be one of those few people this year. Try explaining that one to your friends and family. So, be careful, Arizona! Drive safely, and don't be a stupid motorist.
Time for a change of pace. Here's something pretty groovy.
Judging by the heavy-seated support for Kim Davis, it is clear that the disturbing new trend of religion-based discrimination is receiving favor among many Americans. It may soon be okay to be denied service based on your religious beliefs or lack thereof. My suggestion to my 2 or 3 followers is simply this: use it against them.
I'm not saying it's okay for you to be a jerk to anyone, but merely state that their religious discrimination is impeding on your religious liberty. If you aren't religious, then just make one up! According to the IRS, it's super easy, and I'm sure by now you've seen John Oliver show you how it's done. If not, enjoy this video.
Personally, I will name my church "The Church of Holy Toledo Ohio (no comma needed)," because "Holy Guacamole" was already taken. Anybody is welcome to join me on Sunday afternoons, where we will have fellowship in the TV room (while football is on). Our mantra will be simple: "Don't be a jerk." Therefore if anyone is a jerk to you, you can say they are impeding on your religious principles.
I was trying to find a song appropriate for Rowan County, KY.
Dearest Kim,
Welcome back to the world, and congratulations on your release from jail. This is an accomplishment that close to 1% of the American population can't even boast on. You must be ecstatic.
Yes of course you are.
Wait, what? You encourage us to press on, and not give in (I'm assuming to the support of gay marriage)?
I hate to point out the obvious here, Kim, but you agreed to uphold Judge Bunning's order to not interfere with your court's ability to uphold gay marriage. That is basically giving in, and if you claim any moral victory in that, then you should have been doing that to begin with. Oh... and you're a hypocrite.
That said, the real glory of God in this is that more Americans now support gay marriage. I guess they just kinda realized that gay marriage really doesn't affect them.
Still, gay people have to deal with religious zealots, like you, who practice discrimination under the guise of "religious liberty." Let's be clear on this. Your religious opinions and ability to worship are not being threatened by gay couples coming to you for a signature.
By your actions, the only people threatened are people who do not worship the same god as you. This has been more evident by the actions out of the Christian community lately.
Then when there's negative feedback, you claim that your religious liberties are at stake! Let me explain to you how you are a detriment to your own cause.
1. You have changed the very definition of "religious liberty," which is the freedom of religious opinion and worship. You have made it okay for others to deny service based on their religious beliefs, when time and time again the realm of popular opinion defines that as flat-out discrimination.
2. You are an elected official with a duty to uphold the laws of the land. Any moral victory you claim in any of this doesn't make you a hero, it makes you an oppressor and a hypocrite.
Several people on social media have shared a viral meme about showing respect to our fallen troops. It's a lovely sentiment, but they have the wrong holiday. Today is Labor Day, and is to celebrate the social and economic achievements of American workers. The confusion has actually reached comical lengths.
The Facebook page responsible for this meme even had something to say to their re-posters.
... you dolts!
As laughable all this really is, it shows that a large group of Americans does not know what this holiday really reflects. It is a yearly national day of tribute to the contributions American workers have made to the development and success of their nation. So here's to all you fellow laborers! You are all awesome, and this day is yours!
Every once in a while an awkward situation happens to me and I feel the need to document it. I do this for your entertainment and because I generally have no shame. Please be aware that if the topic of "poop" disgusts you, then you probably might want to turn away from the computer screen right now. In hindsight, this combination of "awkward" and "poop" probably doesn't help me get readers, but I promise that it's not something disgusting!
I digress...
My friend from back home once brought up a conversation mid drunken toke: "Where/when do you feel the most vulnerable?" He proceeded to share with us where and when he felt most vulnerable and I thought he was ridiculous. 1. He was drunk, and 2. He was in the process of getting high, so his words really made no sense to me anyways.
That was until today. (Here comes the no-shame, vulnerable moment)
Okay maybe I'm exaggerating here...
So my office at work is located in a corporate plaza, where we share our building with a number of other companies. We share the entire facility (this means bathrooms). So I'm sitting on the john (oh goodness here comes the snarky criticism now), doing my business when another guy walks in the bathroom. You know that feeling you get when someone enters the bathroom when you're in a stall? It's like you want for that person to observe your privacy and not acknowledge you. Well... not tonight.
He walks in and the first thing he says is, "Hey man, how's it going!?"
And then silence...
WTF!? IS HE WAITING ON ME TO SAY SOMETHING!?!?
"What are you doing?"
Followed again by silence...
WHAT THE HELL DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING!?!?
At this moment, my friend's words finally clicked. This was his most vulnerable moment and now I'm feeling it. My drunk, high friend was right. I'M GETTING VIOLATED!!!
I try to muster the words to say to him, but what the... how do I respond!?!?
"Umm... no. I don't know you," was a possibility, but what if he was just REALLY friendly and wanted to strike up some stall-to-stall conversation?
WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT ANYWAYS!?
Finally, Mr. Bathroom Invader broke the silence "Yeah, man... I'm at work. What are you, just finally getting off the couch you lucky bastard?"
Apparently he was just on his phone with what I can only assume is his unemployed friend. I like to imagine he's a loser because he's associated to Mr. Talk on the Phone in the Bathroom over here.
At this point I'd like to ask my readers (all 2 of you), to please not talk on your phones in the bathroom. Not that you do or anything, I mean c'mon!!! Who does that!?
Also, Octavio, if you're reading this, man... I'm sorry. You were right.
Background: This experiment was inspired by an article in which the writer (Justin Rosario) posted in a political Facebook page the question:
“A question for anyone that claims to be a proud white person: What, exactly, are you proud of? I’ve asked this a few times and can’t seem to get a straight answer. Please don’t tell/ask me about black pride as it is not relevant to the question. I want to know why YOU are proud to be white. If the only way you can explain it is by comparing it to another ethnicity’s pride, you are not answering the question. Stay on topic and explain what it is about being white that fills you with pride.”
Results from experiment 1: The responses ranged in 3 different categories.
1. Asking about white pride is not a legitimate question.
"This was the most prevalent theme. They know that white pride is unavoidably racist whereas every other kind of “pride,” including black pride, can avoid being racist. Therefore they perceive the question as an attack on white people. It’s not. But that they see it that way tells me that they know exactly what white pride means."
2. Attempts to rewrite or turn the question around (on me).
"These were attempts to get me angry or pretend I was asking a completely different question."
3. Attempts to conflate “heritage” with “skin color.”
"These were soooooo ham-handed. Seriously, if the best you can do to explain white pride is say that your ancestors were white so you’re proud of that, you’re not even trying."
I attempted to test those results with members of a local Facebook Chat Group.
Findings from experiment 2:
1. Asking about white pride is not a legitimate question.
“They perceived the question to be an attack on white people.” Oh hell yes they did! I got called a “race baiter!” I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS SUCH A THING CALLED “RACE-BAITING.” Sounds like fun!
Examples:
“Not to mention we invented the language you typed this race baiting post in”
“Race Baiting!! good words chosen for that sentence.”
“see here we go.. not going to say anything else to you people.. lol”
That’s where it got good. THIS IS STILL WITHIN THE FIRST 30 MINUTES!
“It's fucking sad that there are racists; it's even more sad that you have people such as the op to perpetuate such things with fuck tard questions.”
“You are race baiting. If I asked the same of blacks you and jesse Jackson would lose thier shit”
I’m direct quoting from Facebook, please excuse the misspellings and poor grammar. ;)
2. Attempts to rewrite or turn the question around (on me).
"These were attempts to get me angry or pretend I was asking a completely different question." This MOST DEFINITELY happened! I’d like to point out that at no point in this “experiment” did I claim to be proud of being colored, but the question was still brought on me. Perhaps they wanted an example on how to answer the question (that I totally answered, but only two people acknowledged it). :/
Examples:
“Id like to hear why you are proud to be black/ Hispanic or oriental. I dont know what kind of response I was supposed to give”
“Anyway that anyone answers this "question" it could be flipped either way!”
”If you would question why I posses such pride would also question why I have pride...so I ask you... why do you ask such things?”
“What are you proud of???? SPECIFICALLY! !!
Mad indeed
“Mic wtf gives you the right to ask anyone anything. What are you proud of????”
I had already answered my own question at this point.
My Answer:
“You know how I would answer this question? I wouldn't. The theory of race is flawed. If you look at it through an anthropological perspective, the human species all originated in one continent (Africa), and throughout time, has traveled throughout the planet and settled in different places. We all have evolved to our environments. THAT'S what I'm proud of. So technically, if you think about it, we're all black. TAKE THAT, YOU WHITE SUPREMACIST BIGOTS!!!”
In hindsight, I probably didn’t win any popularity contests with that last statement. :/
There were even cases where they answered a different question
“White is just a color. A color is nothing to be proud of”
“We should always be proud of who we are and where we come from”
“The only thing any person should be proud of is being a good person no matter what race you are”
3. Attempts to conflate “heritage” with “skin color.”
This was by far the most prevalent outcome of this experiment. The theory is that one cannot answer the question without sounding racist, so one turns to family history or heritage.
Examples:
“I'm proud of my white side because they came to America as immigrants to Ellis island and built this country survived the depression , 2 world wars and are hardworking people who have a dream and are not afraid to work hard to reach their goals .”
Wait WHAT!? “THEY” built this country (USA)!?!? QUIT TAKING ALL THE DAMN CREDIT!!!
Yeah! Stop that shit!
Yeah! We built this country too, just didn't get any credit (apparently)...
“exactly what i said, proud of our heritage and what our ancestors accomplished! my family has roots going back to the founding of this country and i'm proud of that!”
Classic avoiding of the question.
I had made attempts to TRY to get an answer out of them:
“But aside from what your family did, what is it about being white are you proud of?”
“So.. The blacks, Mexicans, Asians, and Indians didn't build this country either? Also, what SPECIFICALLY about being white are you proud of?” (Also my response to example 1 of this sub-finding).
“I am white...I know shocker, huh? Am I proud to be "white"? I am proud of my heritage which is a combination of 1/2 Irish, 1/4 German, and 1/4 Welsh. I'm told I have a smidgen of Ogallala Sioux as well. The fact that I am white is a matter of genetics and nothing more. “
I give up! I... just... FUCK IT! I'M DONE!
Final Results from Experiment 2: Ultimately, did one simple question drive right-wing racists insane?
Ultimately, no. They either stayed silent were one of the ones who didn’t completely answer the question.
I did notice a good number of non-commenters who observed the responses of other, more open-to-sharing pro-white individuals and liked their comments. (We’re Facebook talking now).
“Im proud to come from england. An island smaller than Arizona that jad one of the largest empires in history. It also has the worlds first and undefeated navy. Not to mention we invented the language you typed this race baiting post in”
Notice how that didn't even answer the main question?
That comment received 10 likes. 2nd most in that discussion, to this gem:
“I am seriously just here to see these comments.” (15 likes) ;)
But did you piss ANYBODY off?
“Mic. Go fuck yourself right in the ass you trollop. All you have done today is cause trouble. What are you proud of. What did you and your ancestors do. Aside from chatting bollocks on facebook. You keep bringing up whites, black, asian, Get a grip man.”
and you will instinctively know to click on it and read on.
In case today isn't that day, please click and read on.
In case you ever wonder what inspires me to write what I write and post the music that I post, I can share with you that I post what I'm listening to while I'm writing. It helps me to clear my head sometimes and focus on the thing that has me writing. So what is it today!? Actually a lot, yet at the same time, just one thing in particular.
I started my day sick. I'm actually on day 4 of being sick. You'd think after the weekend my body would have recuperated, but that isn't the case with me. See, the stress at work has gotten so bad it actually dictated my health, which dictated my weekend, which made my home-life miserable.
How do I let something like that control my home life? It's ridiculous,but it's life. At work, I'm basically a middle-man. The sucky thing about being a middle-man is that shit still rolls downhill, but this time you're in between two hills and now you're getting it from both ends.
You must to be able to manage these two streams to a point that, if you're gone one day, you know that you can eventually catch up to being behind a day or two. With this job, however, because there are two streams, it's like you're always behind two days. Some people, like myself, resort to multi-tasking.
I do not doubt that this is how I look most days.
I cannot emphasize how much that multi-tasking is my downfall. I'm not bad at it, a lot of people say it's their claim to fame at their jobs, but here's what I noticed about multi-tasking: the pressure, the time, and the efficiency are all affected. I've had multiple things going on at the same time, and it took me so much longer to handle all of it than it would have handling one thing at a time. When I look back at my work, I sometimes see that I've mis-coded, or forgot to add a mundane detail.
Back to the music: Don't you just want to take this track and put it on a loop? I heard it on a video-game! :)
I've started practicing a method of getting to a stopping-point when someone calls or comes into my office so I can focus solely on them. I've also learned to plan my work week. One day I'll do all my requisitions while the next day I'll process invoices. At mid-week I'll do my special projects assigned by the district office. It's rough sometimes, and still sometimes I find myself multi-tasking, but at least now I'm able to focus more on completing more things.
In all honesty, a completed file is so much better than work-in-progress.
So that's where we're at right now. I started the day sick, but I was also determined to make my day awesome. Tomorrow will be the same way. So to those of you who have let stress take over, I say "Stop, think about what you're doing that may be causing you undue pressure, find a solution that will help you ease that pressure, and just be." Your brain will thank you. :)
For those of you new here, just click, read, and enjoy the music. ;)
Yeah yeah! "It's February," I get it! So what? There's still time to notice room for self-improvement, and therefore decide to make actions to improve upon it... Right?
I mean, I'm not thinking anything DRASTIC here... well, maybe. For this, I'll need input from the blogosphere. I'm thinking about trying to write more. I understand, it's been forever, what with starting a new job and getting caught up in it, trying to retain what little social life I still have, and also salvaging my completely and utterly screwed up love life - I mean naturally I put writing on the back-burner.
Well, "Never again," I say! I shall focus on ME, this year - getting in shape, finding a career I can fall in love with, and doing more of the things I love. Like music, and teaching, and writing! I've already committed myself to a couple of projects (honestly, why I stack my plate so high, I haven't the slightest clue). Hopefully, I'll get this done within the deadlines set upon me, but I'm not gonna sacrifice quality and style over timeliness. Don't get me wrong, I do realize that I want to actually COMPLETE a damn project one of these days.
I guess I can attribute my sudden urge to write to a friend of mine who decided this same resolution only two days ago and has already entered three items into her blog that have taken me along with her on her emotional journey of self-discovery. She honestly is one of the more awesome people I know, and that's a great thing because there a few truly awesome people in this world.
It just comes to show you, that you never know who you might be inspiring right now, so always put your best foot forward.
Brace yourselves, folks. The "holidays" are coming, and with them comes the things that drive me nuts about the holidays. Let's be honest, guys. There's a chance that you may have felt the same way about these things.
Enjoy!
#1.) The people who complain about changes made to their Wal-Mart.
*Grumble grumble* I can't wait to leave
this stupid job.. *Grumble*
Hey, there's a reason why Wal-Mart is a successful global retailer. Never mind the fact that they grossly under-pay their associates and, at one point in time, offered so few benefits to their employees, they suggested they turn to Government programs for basic health-care. That's right. At some point in time, YOU- Mr. & Ms. Taxpayer, paid for the basic health-care coverage of Wal-Mart employees.
Source:
If you haven't seen this documentary... DON'T.
Save yourself an hour and a half of your life
by doing better things!
One of the many things that Wal-Mart does well is marketing. I'm not talking marketing in terms of T.V. commercials. I'm talking more in other functions of marketing like their promotions. For those of you who notice that ANY change in season results in changes of in-store promotions, the holidays should come to no surprise! Football season? Why, take a look at all of these beer, chips, and salsa displays! Spring? Take a look at all our barbecue grills and assortment of charcoal. Yet, for all the seasonal marketing changes, the one that gets the biggest hit is the "holiday" season. You don't ever see people complaining about Mardi Gras, St. Patty's Day, or Easter... (though I do notice how Chanukah and Kwanzaa are almost completely neglected in terms of holiday promotion).
A lot of people would mention that promotion for "the holidays" starts way too early for them. It's a valid point. It's only September 18th and I've already seen 3 Christmas ads and reminders, however, I'm not the person they are targeting with those reminders. I am not what you'd consider an early Christmas shopper. No no no! Those who know me, know I'm an expert procrastinator at all things in life.
I'm so glad I have a sense of humor about
my own love life.
Experts suggest that starting holiday shopping early actually saves you money. Again, I wouldn't know this first-hand because I've never done anything early in my life. Well... some things. For those people who actually do their shopping early, Good for you!! Seriously. You are the ones that these early ads and promotions are targeting. Isn't it nice to know there are money-hungry corporations out there tailoring marketing campaigns just for you? For those who don't like the promotions, calm down! Quit whining about the changes made to your store, and maybe shop at a local mom-and-pop business that wont sell themselves out for corporate greed.
2.) The people who complain about religious displays in public.
Excuse me, sir. Do you have a moment to
talk about... Sir?!
This is a touchy subject because of the issue of religion, so I really hope I don't offend anyone here. I mean everyone has a right to believe in any religious deity, or none at all. Two years ago, Atheists won a small battle in Santa Monica, CA by submitting applications for public displays at a local park. Those displays were once dominated by local churches for the Christmas holiday in a tradition dating back 60 years. In 2011, an Atheist group won bids for 19 out of the 21 spaces, leaving the churches only 2. That sparked what I like to call the "religion" war.
I mean, I get it. Nobody likes it when some jerk comes up to you to try to spread their thoughts and beliefs all over you, no matter the method or message. I have my beliefs and my faith, I don't need someone to come up to me to tell me how they are flawed. Which is why it behooves me to point out that Atheists are just as guilty as the Christians in annoying, dogma-promoting mass marketing.
Hey, don't forget about us. Well, actually..
No, leave us out of it.
What I did like about Santa Monica's religion war was that no concern was made for public displays of the Menorah. And this is the pure genius of how they get a pass on their displays - they weren't really "public." Their displays of the festival of lights were mostly on highly visible private lots of land. This tactic was so amazingly brilliant that the three exceptions that were actually located in public spaces weren't even challenged by any other religion-pusher. This just comes to show, you have a right to worship any way you'd like, just do it in your own space.
3.) The over-flamboyant Christmas Light Displays and the HOA
Oh look! This guy has money to spend.
Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas light displays. I even take part in it myself. What gets to me are the controls enacted by the HOA in some communities. They even sanction fines for people who display lights that are not authorized in their bylaws. Some households with homes located on certain streets are forced to display lights in a tradition called "Candy Cane Lane." Where does it end? How can a group of homeowners have the right to tell an individual what he or she cannot do, especially with Christmas lights? Honestly, that's ridiculous. Now if you'd excuse me, it's time to go Christmas lights shopping.
Or not. I think I'll just stay home
now and reevaluate my
self-worth.
You know those light displays - the ones that make your Saturday morning of setting up lights look like a kindergartner's attempt at duplicating a Van Gogh painting (I'm not sure if that's good or bad). It's as if my neighbors are trying to start (and ultimately win) a Christmas lights arms-race. Did you know that some people go as far as hiring elves or even act as Santa in their own light displays? Better yet, most homes outsource the decorating job to companies that charge $1000 - $1200 on average. Where does that end? More importantly, where do I begin? Well, I can't keep up with the Joneses, time to leave the gig.
4.) The Music
As a former musician, there was no single season I both loved and hated all at the same time. The endless rehearsals of mostly familiar musical arrangements, the ability to impress people by my sight-reading abilities (when I wasn't really sight-reading because I sang that song last year and the year before), and the fact that I got to see my crush in the soprano section on a nearly daily basis - what's not to love about it!? Oh yeah.. the many more music performances in crowded banquet halls where nobody is listening to us, the fact that I was still in college so I was not getting paid for any of that, the fact that my crush never noticed me, and the fact that I sang these same songs last year and the year before.
Then there's the music that I hear most often during the season. It's not that I hate all the music, just the depressing songs. They're called the "holiday blues" for a reason. I'm sure a lot of single people can relate. For those of you who can't, I'm sure it's probably because you're one of those "single-and-loving-it" type people and I appreciate you - you lucky bastard. For those of us hopeless romantics, it sucks. Just imagine it. You've been single most of your life. You've had a handful of relationships, but none have lasted. All of the people on your Christmas shopping list are family, select friends, co-workers, your secret-Santa, but no spouse or significant other this year. Then you go shopping to cross out a few names on your list and a song comes on the department store speakers, and out starts the water works.
Hey! Get a hold of yourself!!
If I had my way, all holiday music would be about the joys of the next season, Spring! Because for those people who have to spend winter in the gloom of being snowed in, blizzards, and over-bearing cold, I could think of nothing better to do but to remind you of better times to come. Never mind that it sometimes comes as late in the year as June.
Why do people sing about love in the holidays anyways? It's almost the equivalent of asking a married couple suffering infertility problems when they will have kids. They might not display it, but deep down it cuts them because it isn't that they don't want kids. Sure, we all want to promote to happy couples of a time to show appreciation towards each other, but we have a whole OTHER depressing corporate holiday for that!
Fuck you too, Mr. Wonka!
I didn't eat the everlasting gobstopper
and I didn't get shit!
5.) Shopping with the other half.
If I hear that Mariah Carey
Christmas song one more fucking time...
Men know this scenario all too well. You're just waking up on a beautiful Saturday morning, preparing yourself for the rigors of putting up Christmas lights when the other half sternly clamors those dreaded four words: "Let's go Christmas shopping!"
How does she know to make those the first words you wake up to that day? There's no "Good morning, hon!" There's no "Hey, you need to mow the lawn." (Arguably a better alternative to shopping, I might add). No! She somehow knows to make shopping the first thought you have that day.
Instinctively you ask her, "How many people are we shopping for" to give yourself an expectation of how long you'll be doing this for. Then she just-as-instinctively replies with a number from 3 - 10 (because she never shops for just 1 or 2 people) but she adds the clever little lie, "It's okay. I already know what I want to get them."
And that's how you end up her bag mule for an entire day.
Sucker!
Shopping, however, doesn't have to be a bad thing, men. Women, if you want your men to enjoy the shopping experience as much as you do, make him more than your bag mule. Share your thoughts with him on what you're looking for and see if he can find it before you therefore, it's a challenge for both parties and will speed up the process of shopping. (You're welcome, fellow gents).
It cannot end there though, ladies. I spent hours helping my ex shop, but most of my suggestions were met with "I already looked at that," or "Eww! No!" This led me to start wandering off and looking at things that suited my tastes or fulfilled my own shopping list. If you want to get your man more involved, be more accepting of his suggestions.
Speaking of the other half, have you already planned out who's doing what and where?
Om nom nom noms
6.) Holiday traditions and the other half.
Who the hell is that guy?
Let's just face it. Everyone has a holiday tradition. Mine is to visit my local bar and order anywhere up to four 7&7's, or whiskey sours, or a mixture thereof throughout the night while I flirt with the bartender (luckily, it's always been a female bartender). That's before my family gets together in front of a large dinner. I've always felt kind of bad for my brothers-in-law at those dinners, because I knew they felt out of place. I'm sure we can all relate to that.
I mean, how long can one possibly keep up with the small talk? And how many times do I have to be cut off while speaking before it's acceptable for me to walk away from the table completely? I've seriously been asked, "Hi Michael, how are things going at Tucson?" and gotten cut off in the middle of the answer by the same fucking person who asked me the question.
There's a large correlation to alcohol consumption and the holiday season, and I think it may be because people are just trying to offset the undue pressures of impressing the family members of the other half. I've seriously attempted to just stay silent and unnoticed for an entire dinner. I was unsuccessful, as her mom pointed out that I wasn't saying much. "Oh, well I was just enjoying watching you guys interact. I think it's fun to learn where she gets her amazing qualities from." (Yeah... bullshit).
As I wrap up my latest rant, I find it near impossible to end this mostly negative view of the holidays on a positive note. There's a chance that many of you have felt this way towards these six things, and there's probably even more of you who are on the other side of my views, and that's alright. I'm sure we all love other parts of the holidays too. Just keep focusing on those things, and perhaps you just might make it.
So I have come up with a new term to
add to my many “isms”, though, I might be taking credit for someone else’s
work.So the term is “Word-Splooge,” and
yeah, it’s as dirty as it sounds.It applies
to situations where someone says the absolute right thing to you at exactly the
right moment that it creates a feeling inside you that brings you instant
resolution for present problems (because they don’t matter anymore) and also
gives you indescribable hope for the future.Also, you should be pretty sure you just creamed your pants.
Similar to actual sploogeing, it only
ends badly.As you have your hopes risen
for the lamest of reasons, the speaker then makes you regret ever having faith
in that person altogether.I’ve had this
happen so many times, though, I think it’s more my fault because I have a
natural tendency to over-think things anyways.
So there I was, sitting by myself
in a Tucson sushi restaurant when this beautiful brunette woman walks up to me.Let me slow this down for you because this is
exactly how it played out in my head.So
I’m drinking tea from my cup (no straw..apparently they were out of them) when I look up and notice this woman
is walking towards me.“OMG! She’s
gorgeous!” was my first thought. “Holy
crap, is she looking at me?ARE WE
MAKING EYE CONTACT?!?”were my second
and third thoughts.
There was a moment of awkwardness
then.I might have made a surprised look on my
face during my third thought, like shit like this never happens to me.Admittedly so, it doesn’t..I’m just throwing that out there for
clarity.I’m not exactly pimpin’ it,
aight?Just then, I notice her outfit is
business casual.Still, everything about
her apparel said “I’m sexy and I know it” just by the way her skirt and blouse gently
accented the curves of her body.
At this point I’m desperately trying
to keep eye contact even though I’m sure she saw that I’ve given her a quick once-over.Yet as she approached me she kept a
friendly-face on, like I was some sort of celeb.I couldn’t blame her, though.I was wearing my suit because it was business
formal day in class.So, yeah, I was GQ-ing
it.
Her lips started moving.Oh, those lips!Dark red and screaming of danger..I may have just missed every word she said.No wait..I did!At this point, I’m sure I
creamed my pants, though I can’t be sure because of the tea that landed on me
as I tried to spit a chunk of ice back into my cup - I couldn’t have looked
like a bigger idiot!!!!!!“I’m sorry,
what was that?” I ask her as I try to regain cool points all-the-while desperate
to find out if what she just said was worth it.
“I said, ‘Would you like another
tea?’” she replied to my dismay.
This is the point where I break the imaginary 4th
wall and glare into the camera recording every FML moment of my life.“Yes, I do believe I would.And can you please bring some extra napkins?”
