5 Reasons Why Guy Fawkes Night is the Most Badass Holiday... In The World

Remember, remember!

The fifth of November, 

The Gunpowder treason and plot;

Today is Guy Fawkes Night in the UK and despite its macabre nature, it is actually regarded more as a time for folks to hang out by the bonfire, eat sausages and drink beers, and watch some fucking fireworks!  Honestly, that makes it sound very dull and American.  There is a dark history behind the holiday that makes it the most badass holiday in the world.  Here's what makes it so.

1.  The Plot

It wasn't a good time to be Catholic in England in the late 1500s.  Under Queen Elizabeth I, Catholics were heavily repressed, and many hoped that her successor would restore order for the Catholics.  This did not happen under King James I, so a disgruntled group of Catholics thought, "You know what?  We should kill him and kidnap his daughter, instill her with our values, make HER the new monarch, and FORCE HER TO MARRY a Catholic."

And the other Catholics were like "Hells yeah, man!  How are we going to do this?  Sword?  Poison?  Gun?"


"Nah fool!  We'll blow the mufukuh up in his own house, like a real G!" 

And they were merry and jovial, and it was good.

2.  The Guido

It was at this point that they recruited the natural badass, Guy Fawkes, to carry out this outlandish plot soon to be called the "Gunpowder Plot."  But who was this guy and fellow conspirator?  To make it short, he was a well-educated, military-trained master of badassery.  It was said of him that he was "a man of action, capable of intelligent argument as well as physical endurance, somewhat to the surprise of his enemies." 

He had already spent the last decade fighting in the fucking EIGHTY YEARS WAR for Spain against Protestant rebels, and it was during this time that he started going by the Spanish adaptation of his name.  You can imagine the hatred he had of King James I, who had condemned Catholicism as superstition. 

To pull this off, he worked in secrecy, going by the name of John Johnson.  He wasn't the most imaginative guido.  They had purchased the lease to a cellar that led directly underneath the House of Lords, and started packing it up with as much gunpowder to blast the house and king all the way to the moon!  The plan would have worked too, if it weren't for those pesky sympathizers that wrote a note to parliament, exposing their plans.

3.  The Almost Foiled Execution

At the outcome of their trial, Attorney General Sir Edward Coke declared that each conspirator was to be hung and quartered; a common execution style of that day.  He made sure that their execution would be especially humiliating stating that they would be "put to death halfway between heaven and earth as unworthy of both."

On January 31 1606, the Guido watched as 2 of his co-conspirators were hung and mutilated (while barely alive), then dismembered so that their body parts could be distributed to the four corners of the kingdom.  Fawkes was the last to stand on the scaffold.  He shared a few words to the king (which I can only imagine were "Fuck you, you Scottish bastard!"), climbed as high as he could while rope dangled from his neck, and in one final act of defiance - he leaped and broke his neck ; escaping the same fate that befell his other comrades.

4.  We're Not Even Celebrating the Right Guy

The best part about this entire holiday is that Guy Fawkes wasn't even the mastermind.  Rather, the credit of this brilliant idea goes to Mr. Robert Catesby, a well-educated descendant of a gentry family that had taken part in two failed attempts to rebel against Queen Elizabeth I.  So, why is the celebration named after his underling?

Another pert of the plot was to travel to the English midlands and ATTEMPT to rouse a rebellion against London.  Obviously that failed too, but as the group of Catholic conspirators were cornered in a stronghold in Staffordshire, instead of give himself in to captivity, the fearless leader decided to fight back.  He was ultimately killed in the ensuing gunfight. 

Many suppose the reason this holiday bears Fawkes' likeness is that Fawkes was caught in the act, had to suffer days of torture, and finally revealed the other conspirators to the authorities.  This entire holiday is to Segway into #5.

5.  The Entire Holiday is Meant to Spread His Shame

Actually it was originally meant to celebrate the King's escape from the failed plot, but I like to think it means the same thing.  Why else would effigies of Guy Fawkes be put in these bonfires?  Also, why make bonfires celebratory?  Is it because of the odd twist of fate that King James was supposed to go down in flames?  If so, it makes for awesome and humiliating shame.  It was as if English Parliament was simultaneously issuing a gigantic middle finger (or V-Sign in the UK) to the Fawkes for failing, turning his friends in, and being Catholic.  There was a lot of bad blood between religions back then. 



The Arizona "Stupid Motorists Law" and How You Might Want to Remember It Today

 

You're on your way to work, but you see the road ahead is covered in water.  You have no way to know how deep the water is, but you've driven this path so many times before, even during heavy rain, so you are 80% sure you can make it through.  Despite signs and barricades suggesting otherwise, you press on and the next thing you know, your car engine gets flooded and dies.  You're now stuck in 3 feet of rushing water, and you're being swept away with the flood. 

"But, sir!  I could swear it wasn't that deep."

According to an Arizona law referred to as the "Stupid Motorists Law," you can be held liable for the costs of your own rescue.  As stated by section 28-910 of the Arizona Revised Statutes, a person who is convicted of violating this law may be held liable for the costs of their rescue and charged an additional fine of no more than $2,000.00. 

Why is this important today?  Because southwest Arizona is about to be hit with a tropical depression.  It isn't everyday that a storm worth mention hits Southern Arizona dead-on as this one will, but...

"Bitch, it's on!!"



Now, it's important to note that the "Stupid Motorists Law" is merely a deterrent, and very few people have actually been convicted.  That being said, DO NOT be one of those few people this year.  Try explaining that one to your friends and family.  So, be careful, Arizona!  Drive safely, and don't be a stupid motorist.  



Defend yourself from religious zealots... by practicing religion.

Time for a change of pace.  Here's something pretty groovy.

Judging by the heavy-seated support for Kim Davis, it is clear that the disturbing new trend of religion-based discrimination is receiving favor among many Americans.  It may soon be okay to be denied service based on your religious beliefs or lack thereof.  My suggestion to my 2 or 3 followers is simply this:  use it against them.  

I'm not saying it's okay for you to be a jerk to anyone, but merely state that their religious discrimination is impeding on your religious liberty.  If you aren't religious, then just make one up!  According to the IRS, it's super easy, and I'm sure by now you've seen John Oliver show you how it's done.  If not, enjoy this video. 

Personally, I will name my church "The Church of Holy Toledo Ohio (no comma needed)," because "Holy Guacamole" was already taken.  Anybody is welcome to join me on Sunday afternoons, where we will have fellowship in the TV room (while football is on).  Our mantra will be simple:  "Don't be a jerk."  Therefore if anyone is a jerk to you, you can say they are impeding on your religious principles.  

Kim Davis, you are no hero! (An open-blog letter)

I was trying to find a song appropriate for Rowan County, KY. 

Dearest Kim,

Welcome back to the world, and congratulations on your release from jail.  This is an accomplishment that close to 1% of the American population can't even boast on. You must be ecstatic.

Yes of course you are.

Wait, what?  You encourage us to press on, and not give in (I'm assuming to the support of gay marriage)?

I hate to point out the obvious here, Kim, but you agreed to uphold Judge Bunning's order to not interfere with your court's ability to uphold gay marriage.  That is basically giving in, and if you claim any moral victory in that, then you should have been doing that to begin with.  Oh... and you're a hypocrite.  

That said, the real glory of God in this is that more Americans now support gay marriage.  I guess they just kinda realized that gay marriage really doesn't affect them.  

Still, gay people have to deal with religious zealots, like you, who practice discrimination under the guise of "religious liberty."  Let's be clear on this.  Your religious opinions and ability to worship  are not being threatened by gay couples coming to you for a signature.  

By your actions, the only people threatened are people who do not worship the same god as you. This has been more evident by the actions out of the Christian community lately.  

"Gay?  No cake!"

No pizza for gays!  Christians, give me money!

Then when there's negative feedback, you claim that your religious liberties are at stake!  Let me explain to you how you are a detriment to your own cause.

1.  You have changed the very definition of "religious liberty," which is the freedom of religious opinion and worship.  You have made it okay for others to deny service based on their religious beliefs, when time and time again the realm of popular opinion defines that as flat-out discrimination.  

2.  You are an elected official with a duty to uphold the laws of the land. Any moral victory you claim in any of this doesn't make you a hero, it makes you an oppressor and a hypocrite.

People are confusing Labor Day for Memorial Day with one Meme.

 

 

Several people on social media have shared a viral meme about showing respect to our fallen troops.  It's a lovely sentiment, but they have the wrong holiday.  Today is Labor Day, and is to celebrate the social and economic achievements of American workers.  The confusion has actually reached comical lengths.

 

 

The Facebook page responsible for this meme even had something to say to their re-posters.

 

... you dolts!

 





As laughable all this really is, it shows that a large group of Americans does not know what this holiday really reflects.  It is a yearly national day of tribute to the contributions American workers have made to the development and success of their nation.  So here's to all you fellow laborers!  You are all awesome, and this day is yours! 

 

 

 

 

 

 





Where/When do you feel the most Vulnerable?

Since we're in the season for this and all.

Every once in a while an awkward situation happens to me and I feel the need to document it.  I do this for your entertainment and because I generally have no shame.  Please be aware that if the topic of "poop" disgusts you, then you probably might want to turn away from the computer screen right now.  In hindsight, this combination of "awkward" and "poop" probably doesn't help me get readers, but I promise that it's not something disgusting!

I digress...

My friend from back home once brought up a conversation mid drunken toke: "Where/when do you feel the most vulnerable?"  He proceeded to share with us where and when he felt most vulnerable and I thought he was ridiculous.  1.  He was drunk, and 2.  He was in the process of getting high, so his words really made no sense to me anyways.

That was until today. (Here comes the no-shame, vulnerable moment)

Okay maybe I'm exaggerating here... 

So my office at work is located in a corporate plaza, where we share our building with a number of other companies.  We share the entire facility (this means bathrooms).  So I'm sitting on the john (oh goodness here comes the snarky criticism now), doing my business when another guy walks in the bathroom.  You know that feeling you get when someone enters the bathroom when you're in a stall?  It's like you want for that person to observe your privacy and not acknowledge you.  Well... not tonight.

He walks in and the first thing he says is, "Hey man, how's it going!?"

And then silence...

WTF!?  IS HE WAITING ON ME TO SAY SOMETHING!?!?

"What are you doing?"

Followed again by silence...

WHAT THE HELL DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING!?!?

At this moment, my friend's words finally clicked.  This was his most vulnerable moment and now I'm feeling it.  My drunk, high friend was right.  I'M GETTING VIOLATED!!!

I try to muster the words to say to him, but what the... how do I respond!?!? 
"Umm...  no.  I don't know you," was a possibility, but what if he was just REALLY friendly and wanted to strike up some stall-to-stall conversation? 

WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT ANYWAYS!?

Finally, Mr. Bathroom Invader broke the silence "Yeah, man...  I'm at work.  What are you, just finally getting off the couch you lucky bastard?" 

Apparently he was just on his phone with what I can only assume is his unemployed friend.  I like to imagine he's a loser because he's associated to Mr. Talk on the Phone in the Bathroom over here. 

At this point I'd like to ask my readers (all 2 of you), to please not talk on your phones in the bathroom.  Not that you do or anything, I mean c'mon!!! Who does that!? 

Also, Octavio, if you're reading this, man... I'm sorry.  You were right. 

The “How To Drive Right Wing Racists Insane With One Simple Question” experiment 2 results.

You can tell where I'm going at with this. ;)

Background: This experiment was inspired by an article in which the writer (Justin Rosario) posted in a political Facebook page the question:

“A question for anyone that claims to be a proud white person: What, exactly, are you proud of? I’ve asked this a few times and can’t seem to get a straight answer. Please don’t tell/ask me about black pride as it is not relevant to the question. I want to know why YOU are proud to be white. If the only way you can explain it is by comparing it to another ethnicity’s pride, you are not answering the question. Stay on topic and explain what it is about being white that fills you with pride.”


Results from experiment 1: The responses ranged in 3 different categories.

1. Asking about white pride is not a legitimate question. 

• "This was the most prevalent theme. They know that white pride is unavoidably racist whereas every other kind of “pride,” including black pride, can avoid being racist. Therefore they perceive the question as an attack on white people. It’s not. But that they see it that way tells me that they know exactly what white pride means." 

2. Attempts to rewrite or turn the question around (on me). 

• "These were attempts to get me angry or pretend I was asking a completely different question." 

3. Attempts to conflate “heritage” with “skin color.” 

• "These were soooooo ham-handed. Seriously, if the best you can do to explain white pride is say that your ancestors were white so you’re proud of that, you’re not even trying." 

I attempted to test those results with members of a local Facebook Chat Group.

Findings from experiment 2:

1. Asking about white pride is not a legitimate question.

1. “They perceived the question to be an attack on white people.” Oh hell yes they did! I got called a “race baiter!” I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS SUCH A THING CALLED “RACE-BAITING.” Sounds like fun!
2.  Examples: 

• “Not to mention we invented the language you typed this race baiting post in” 
• “Race Baiting!! good words chosen for that sentence.” 
•  “see here we go.. not going to say anything else to you people.. lol” 
• That’s where it got good. THIS IS STILL WITHIN THE FIRST 30 MINUTES! 
• “It's fucking sad that there are racists; it's even more sad that you have people such as the op to perpetuate such things with fuck tard questions.” 
• “You are race baiting. If I asked the same of blacks you and jesse Jackson would lose thier shit” 
• I’m direct quoting from Facebook, please excuse the misspellings and poor grammar. ;) 

2. Attempts to rewrite or turn the question around (on me). 

1. "These were attempts to get me angry or pretend I was asking a completely different question." This MOST DEFINITELY happened! I’d like to point out that at no point in this “experiment” did I claim to be proud of being colored, but the question was still brought on me. Perhaps they wanted an example on how to answer the question (that I totally answered, but only two people acknowledged it). :/ 
2. Examples:

• “Id like to hear why you are proud to be black/ Hispanic or oriental. I dont know what kind of response I was supposed to give” 
• “Anyway that anyone answers this "question" it could be flipped either way!” 
• ”If you would question why I posses such pride would also question why I have pride...so I ask you... why do you ask such things?” 
• “What are you proud of???? SPECIFICALLY! !!
  
• Mad indeed
• “Mic wtf gives you the right to ask anyone anything. What are you proud of????” 
• I had already answered my own question at this point.
• My Answer: 
• “You know how I would answer this question? I wouldn't. The theory of race is flawed. If you look at it through an anthropological perspective, the human species all originated in one continent (Africa), and throughout time, has traveled throughout the planet and settled in different places. We all have evolved to our environments. THAT'S what I'm proud of. So technically, if you think about it, we're all black. TAKE THAT, YOU WHITE SUPREMACIST BIGOTS!!!” 
• In hindsight, I probably didn’t win any popularity contests with that last statement. :/
• There were even cases where they answered a different question 
• “White is just a color. A color is nothing to be proud of” 
• “We should always be proud of who we are and where we come from” 
• “The only thing any person should be proud of is being a good person no matter what race you are” 

3. Attempts to conflate “heritage” with “skin color.” 

1. This was by far the most prevalent outcome of this experiment. The theory is that one cannot answer the question without sounding racist, so one turns to family history or heritage.
2. Examples: 

• “I'm proud of my white side because they came to America as immigrants to Ellis island and built this country survived the depression , 2 world wars and are hardworking people who have a dream and are not afraid to work hard to reach their goals .” 


• Wait WHAT!? “THEY” built this country (USA)!?!? QUIT TAKING ALL THE DAMN CREDIT!!!
  
• Yeah!  Stop that shit!
  
• Yeah!  We built this country too, just didn't get any credit (apparently)...
• “exactly what i said, proud of our heritage and what our ancestors accomplished! my family has roots going back to the founding of this country and i'm proud of that!” 
• Classic avoiding of the question. 
• I had made attempts to TRY to get an answer out of them: 
• “But aside from what your family did, what is it about being white are you proud of?” 
• “So.. The blacks, Mexicans, Asians, and Indians didn't build this country either? Also, what SPECIFICALLY about being white are you proud of?” (Also my response to example 1 of this sub-finding). 
• “I am white...I know shocker, huh? Am I proud to be "white"? I am proud of my heritage which is a combination of 1/2 Irish, 1/4 German, and 1/4 Welsh. I'm told I have a smidgen of Ogallala Sioux as well. The fact that I am white is a matter of genetics and nothing more. “
• I give up!  I... just... FUCK IT! I'M DONE! 

Final Results from Experiment 2: Ultimately, did one simple question drive right-wing racists insane? 

1. Ultimately, no. They either stayed silent were one of the ones who didn’t completely answer the question.
2. I did notice a good number of non-commenters who observed the responses of other, more open-to-sharing pro-white individuals and liked their comments. (We’re Facebook talking now). 

• “Im proud to come from england. An island smaller than Arizona that jad one of the largest empires in history. It also has the worlds first and undefeated navy. Not to mention we invented the language you typed this race baiting post in” 
• Notice how that didn't even answer the main question? 
• That comment received 10 likes. 2nd most in that discussion, to this gem: 
• “I am seriously just here to see these comments.” (15 likes) ;) 

But did you piss ANYBODY off? 

1. “Mic. Go fuck yourself right in the ass you trollop. All you have done today is cause trouble. What are you proud of. What did you and your ancestors do. Aside from chatting bollocks on facebook. You keep bringing up whites, black, asian, Get a grip man.” 
2. Yes I did, and it was awesome!