Dear Nike Boycotters: An Appeal to your Boycott, and Why It's Rubbish

Dear conservative Nike Boycotters,

Over the week, I have read your tirades, I have beared your flawed opinions, and I admittedly have come close, real close, to falling for your more compelling and emotional responses to the recent Nike ad featuring frontman, Colin Kaepernick.  Now I'm afriad I'm going to have to show you why it's all bullshit.

For starters, you've missed the message entirely

In 2016, Colin Kaepernick started his protest, in his words, for "people that don’t have a platform to talk and have their voices heard, and effect change. "  In his early protest, he said his greivance was because the "country wasn't holding up its end of the bargain."  What he's referring to is that systemic racism is holding certain communities from "liberty and justice for all."  He even pointed out that if our troops are fighting to provide those freedoms, then ironically, they are fighting in vain.

"I have great respect for the men and women that have fought for this country. I have family, I have friends that have gone and fought for this country. And they fight for freedom, they fight for the people, they fight for liberty and justice, for everyone. That’s not happening. People are dying in vain because this country isn’t holding their end of the bargain up, as far as giving freedom and justice, liberty to everybody."

His protest only gained steam from there, and with it, further division from so-called patriots.  But why?  Because you consider kneeling during the anthem disrespect?  Well, he used to sit on the bench and then U.S. Army Veteran, and former NFL player, Nate Boyer compelled him to start kneeling during the anthem instead as a symbol of REVERENCE and RESPECT, while still keeping the meaning of his protest.

So here's the deal.  The message was never about disrespect toward the flag OR the troops.  The message was about holding the Flag, Anthem, and the values it is supposed to represent to the standards that we should ALL get... but aren't.

So, why Nike?  

Close to 2 years later, and for most of that time, Colin Kaepernick has NOT had a soap box from which to perch, until...

I swear,  put the guy on an ad, and the whole world turns to shit.  

At this point, if you're boycotting Nike, it isn't because you're still mad about Kaepernick's alleged disrespect towards the flag because Nike has nothing to do with any of the Anthem ceremonies in the NFL.  Let's be honest.  You're mad because Colin Kaeperick has a voice again.  

Oops!

This means you're either supremely petty and just mad at Colin Kaepernick, or you disagree with his message.  If you disagree with his message,  then just call it that.  At least the rest of the world will know that you're choosing your ignorance when presented with their oppression.

Oops again!

But Colin's Pig Socks!

Yes, "Pig" is a term for dirty cops.  It is NOT a derogatory term for policemen.  And if being anti-dirty cops, makes you anti-cop, then...

The fact that protests against police abuse toward the black community has sown the seeds of counter protests like "Blue Lives Matter" only implicates that there is indeed an issue with relations between police and the black community.  

Look.  I get your argument that black people are more apt to commit a crime, but those statistics are flawed if you look at the underlying reasons why people of any race are prone to commit crime.  

Yes. Poverty.  Studies have shown that regardless of race, disadvantaged neighborhoods showed greater rates of crime.  The fact that these disadvantages are more prevalent in black neighborhoods is symptomatic of the systemic racism that has stirred these protests.

"Sacrifice"

Ohh!  It's because they used the word "sacrifice."  First off, it was never said directly that Colin Kaepernick sacrificed anything.  It IS implied, and you all certainly took it that way, and the fact you went so off the rails over his picture in the background is comical. But sure, I'll entertain this point later. 

Secondly, and most importantly, the military does not have a monopoly on "sacrifice."    If that is the case, then so can things like bravery, honor, courage, and dedication (you get the point, right?) be monopolized. Your pedestaling of the military makes it hard for ordinary people to have nice things. Ordinary citizens are just as capable of displaying every one of those qualities, just without the fancy retail discounts and parading.  And it's not like the military are without their bad apples.  There are wife-beaters currently serving in the military.  There are rapists currently serving in the military.  The military even has its own gang problem.  And let's not forget the enduring racism problem in... the... U.S. Military. So, just like everything else in society, the military is corruptible.  Please stop putting its service members on a pedestal and remind everyone that they all still have to prove their worthiness of respect and adoration in our society.  

Now if I haven't lost you yet, let's entertain that "first off." You are claiming that Colin Kaepernick hasn't sacrificed "anything."  And to that I say, not only did he opt out of the last year of his guaranteed contract with the 49ers, but he also put his time and money where his mouth is OFF the field.  That's millions of dollars donated to his foundation centered on teaching black youth what their rights are as citizens of this country, and how to interact with police.  Can you imagine that?  For someone who you claim to be "anti-police," he certainly seems interested in teaching black youth to handle police interactions SAFELY.  He has also provided suits to underprivileged men so that they are more career ready.  If that's not sacrifice enough for his activism, then I'd like to see you lead the way and be the example you'd like to see toward his cause.

#Justdoit  ;)

5 Reasons Why Guy Fawkes Night is the Most Badass Holiday... In The World

Remember, remember!

The fifth of November, 

The Gunpowder treason and plot;

Today is Guy Fawkes Night in the UK and despite its macabre nature, it is actually regarded more as a time for folks to hang out by the bonfire, eat sausages and drink beers, and watch some fucking fireworks!  Honestly, that makes it sound very dull and American.  There is a dark history behind the holiday that makes it the most badass holiday in the world.  Here's what makes it so.

1.  The Plot

It wasn't a good time to be Catholic in England in the late 1500s.  Under Queen Elizabeth I, Catholics were heavily repressed, and many hoped that her successor would restore order for the Catholics.  This did not happen under King James I, so a disgruntled group of Catholics thought, "You know what?  We should kill him and kidnap his daughter, instill her with our values, make HER the new monarch, and FORCE HER TO MARRY a Catholic."

And the other Catholics were like "Hells yeah, man!  How are we going to do this?  Sword?  Poison?  Gun?"


"Nah fool!  We'll blow the mufukuh up in his own house, like a real G!" 

And they were merry and jovial, and it was good.

2.  The Guido

It was at this point that they recruited the natural badass, Guy Fawkes, to carry out this outlandish plot soon to be called the "Gunpowder Plot."  But who was this guy and fellow conspirator?  To make it short, he was a well-educated, military-trained master of badassery.  It was said of him that he was "a man of action, capable of intelligent argument as well as physical endurance, somewhat to the surprise of his enemies." 

He had already spent the last decade fighting in the fucking EIGHTY YEARS WAR for Spain against Protestant rebels, and it was during this time that he started going by the Spanish adaptation of his name.  You can imagine the hatred he had of King James I, who had condemned Catholicism as superstition. 

To pull this off, he worked in secrecy, going by the name of John Johnson.  He wasn't the most imaginative guido.  They had purchased the lease to a cellar that led directly underneath the House of Lords, and started packing it up with as much gunpowder to blast the house and king all the way to the moon!  The plan would have worked too, if it weren't for those pesky sympathizers that wrote a note to parliament, exposing their plans.

3.  The Almost Foiled Execution

At the outcome of their trial, Attorney General Sir Edward Coke declared that each conspirator was to be hung and quartered; a common execution style of that day.  He made sure that their execution would be especially humiliating stating that they would be "put to death halfway between heaven and earth as unworthy of both."

On January 31 1606, the Guido watched as 2 of his co-conspirators were hung and mutilated (while barely alive), then dismembered so that their body parts could be distributed to the four corners of the kingdom.  Fawkes was the last to stand on the scaffold.  He shared a few words to the king (which I can only imagine were "Fuck you, you Scottish bastard!"), climbed as high as he could while rope dangled from his neck, and in one final act of defiance - he leaped and broke his neck ; escaping the same fate that befell his other comrades.

4.  We're Not Even Celebrating the Right Guy

The best part about this entire holiday is that Guy Fawkes wasn't even the mastermind.  Rather, the credit of this brilliant idea goes to Mr. Robert Catesby, a well-educated descendant of a gentry family that had taken part in two failed attempts to rebel against Queen Elizabeth I.  So, why is the celebration named after his underling?

Another pert of the plot was to travel to the English midlands and ATTEMPT to rouse a rebellion against London.  Obviously that failed too, but as the group of Catholic conspirators were cornered in a stronghold in Staffordshire, instead of give himself in to captivity, the fearless leader decided to fight back.  He was ultimately killed in the ensuing gunfight. 

Many suppose the reason this holiday bears Fawkes' likeness is that Fawkes was caught in the act, had to suffer days of torture, and finally revealed the other conspirators to the authorities.  This entire holiday is to Segway into #5.

5.  The Entire Holiday is Meant to Spread His Shame

Actually it was originally meant to celebrate the King's escape from the failed plot, but I like to think it means the same thing.  Why else would effigies of Guy Fawkes be put in these bonfires?  Also, why make bonfires celebratory?  Is it because of the odd twist of fate that King James was supposed to go down in flames?  If so, it makes for awesome and humiliating shame.  It was as if English Parliament was simultaneously issuing a gigantic middle finger (or V-Sign in the UK) to the Fawkes for failing, turning his friends in, and being Catholic.  There was a lot of bad blood between religions back then. 



The Arizona "Stupid Motorists Law" and How You Might Want to Remember It Today

 

You're on your way to work, but you see the road ahead is covered in water.  You have no way to know how deep the water is, but you've driven this path so many times before, even during heavy rain, so you are 80% sure you can make it through.  Despite signs and barricades suggesting otherwise, you press on and the next thing you know, your car engine gets flooded and dies.  You're now stuck in 3 feet of rushing water, and you're being swept away with the flood. 

"But, sir!  I could swear it wasn't that deep."

According to an Arizona law referred to as the "Stupid Motorists Law," you can be held liable for the costs of your own rescue.  As stated by section 28-910 of the Arizona Revised Statutes, a person who is convicted of violating this law may be held liable for the costs of their rescue and charged an additional fine of no more than $2,000.00. 

Why is this important today?  Because southwest Arizona is about to be hit with a tropical depression.  It isn't everyday that a storm worth mention hits Southern Arizona dead-on as this one will, but...

"Bitch, it's on!!"



Now, it's important to note that the "Stupid Motorists Law" is merely a deterrent, and very few people have actually been convicted.  That being said, DO NOT be one of those few people this year.  Try explaining that one to your friends and family.  So, be careful, Arizona!  Drive safely, and don't be a stupid motorist.  



Defend yourself from religious zealots... by practicing religion.

Time for a change of pace.  Here's something pretty groovy.

Judging by the heavy-seated support for Kim Davis, it is clear that the disturbing new trend of religion-based discrimination is receiving favor among many Americans.  It may soon be okay to be denied service based on your religious beliefs or lack thereof.  My suggestion to my 2 or 3 followers is simply this:  use it against them.  

I'm not saying it's okay for you to be a jerk to anyone, but merely state that their religious discrimination is impeding on your religious liberty.  If you aren't religious, then just make one up!  According to the IRS, it's super easy, and I'm sure by now you've seen John Oliver show you how it's done.  If not, enjoy this video. 

Personally, I will name my church "The Church of Holy Toledo Ohio (no comma needed)," because "Holy Guacamole" was already taken.  Anybody is welcome to join me on Sunday afternoons, where we will have fellowship in the TV room (while football is on).  Our mantra will be simple:  "Don't be a jerk."  Therefore if anyone is a jerk to you, you can say they are impeding on your religious principles.  

Kim Davis, you are no hero! (An open-blog letter)

I was trying to find a song appropriate for Rowan County, KY. 

Dearest Kim,

Welcome back to the world, and congratulations on your release from jail.  This is an accomplishment that close to 1% of the American population can't even boast on. You must be ecstatic.

Yes of course you are.

Wait, what?  You encourage us to press on, and not give in (I'm assuming to the support of gay marriage)?

I hate to point out the obvious here, Kim, but you agreed to uphold Judge Bunning's order to not interfere with your court's ability to uphold gay marriage.  That is basically giving in, and if you claim any moral victory in that, then you should have been doing that to begin with.  Oh... and you're a hypocrite.  

That said, the real glory of God in this is that more Americans now support gay marriage.  I guess they just kinda realized that gay marriage really doesn't affect them.  

Still, gay people have to deal with religious zealots, like you, who practice discrimination under the guise of "religious liberty."  Let's be clear on this.  Your religious opinions and ability to worship  are not being threatened by gay couples coming to you for a signature.  

By your actions, the only people threatened are people who do not worship the same god as you. This has been more evident by the actions out of the Christian community lately.  

"Gay?  No cake!"

No pizza for gays!  Christians, give me money!

Then when there's negative feedback, you claim that your religious liberties are at stake!  Let me explain to you how you are a detriment to your own cause.

1.  You have changed the very definition of "religious liberty," which is the freedom of religious opinion and worship.  You have made it okay for others to deny service based on their religious beliefs, when time and time again the realm of popular opinion defines that as flat-out discrimination.  

2.  You are an elected official with a duty to uphold the laws of the land. Any moral victory you claim in any of this doesn't make you a hero, it makes you an oppressor and a hypocrite.

People are confusing Labor Day for Memorial Day with one Meme.

 

 

Several people on social media have shared a viral meme about showing respect to our fallen troops.  It's a lovely sentiment, but they have the wrong holiday.  Today is Labor Day, and is to celebrate the social and economic achievements of American workers.  The confusion has actually reached comical lengths.

 

 

The Facebook page responsible for this meme even had something to say to their re-posters.

 

... you dolts!

 





As laughable all this really is, it shows that a large group of Americans does not know what this holiday really reflects.  It is a yearly national day of tribute to the contributions American workers have made to the development and success of their nation.  So here's to all you fellow laborers!  You are all awesome, and this day is yours! 

 

 

 

 

 

 





Where/When do you feel the most Vulnerable?

Since we're in the season for this and all.

Every once in a while an awkward situation happens to me and I feel the need to document it.  I do this for your entertainment and because I generally have no shame.  Please be aware that if the topic of "poop" disgusts you, then you probably might want to turn away from the computer screen right now.  In hindsight, this combination of "awkward" and "poop" probably doesn't help me get readers, but I promise that it's not something disgusting!

I digress...

My friend from back home once brought up a conversation mid drunken toke: "Where/when do you feel the most vulnerable?"  He proceeded to share with us where and when he felt most vulnerable and I thought he was ridiculous.  1.  He was drunk, and 2.  He was in the process of getting high, so his words really made no sense to me anyways.

That was until today. (Here comes the no-shame, vulnerable moment)

Okay maybe I'm exaggerating here... 

So my office at work is located in a corporate plaza, where we share our building with a number of other companies.  We share the entire facility (this means bathrooms).  So I'm sitting on the john (oh goodness here comes the snarky criticism now), doing my business when another guy walks in the bathroom.  You know that feeling you get when someone enters the bathroom when you're in a stall?  It's like you want for that person to observe your privacy and not acknowledge you.  Well... not tonight.

He walks in and the first thing he says is, "Hey man, how's it going!?"

And then silence...

WTF!?  IS HE WAITING ON ME TO SAY SOMETHING!?!?

"What are you doing?"

Followed again by silence...

WHAT THE HELL DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING!?!?

At this moment, my friend's words finally clicked.  This was his most vulnerable moment and now I'm feeling it.  My drunk, high friend was right.  I'M GETTING VIOLATED!!!

I try to muster the words to say to him, but what the... how do I respond!?!? 
"Umm...  no.  I don't know you," was a possibility, but what if he was just REALLY friendly and wanted to strike up some stall-to-stall conversation? 

WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT ANYWAYS!?

Finally, Mr. Bathroom Invader broke the silence "Yeah, man...  I'm at work.  What are you, just finally getting off the couch you lucky bastard?" 

Apparently he was just on his phone with what I can only assume is his unemployed friend.  I like to imagine he's a loser because he's associated to Mr. Talk on the Phone in the Bathroom over here. 

At this point I'd like to ask my readers (all 2 of you), to please not talk on your phones in the bathroom.  Not that you do or anything, I mean c'mon!!! Who does that!? 

Also, Octavio, if you're reading this, man... I'm sorry.  You were right.