Remember, remember!
The fifth of November,
The Gunpowder treason and plot;
Today is Guy Fawkes Night in the UK and despite its macabre nature, it is actually regarded more as a time for folks to hang out by the bonfire, eat sausages and drink beers, and watch some fucking fireworks! Honestly, that makes it sound very dull and American. There is a dark history behind the holiday that makes it the most badass holiday in the world. Here's what makes it so.
1. The Plot
It wasn't a good time to be Catholic in England in the late 1500s. Under Queen Elizabeth I, Catholics were heavily repressed, and many hoped that her successor would restore order for the Catholics. This did not happen under King James I, so a disgruntled group of Catholics thought, "You know what? We should kill him and kidnap his daughter, instill her with our values, make HER the new monarch, and FORCE HER TO MARRY a Catholic."
And the other Catholics were like "Hells yeah, man! How are we going to do this? Sword? Poison? Gun?"
"Nah fool! We'll blow the mufukuh up in his own house, like a real G!"
"Nah fool! We'll blow the mufukuh up in his own house, like a real G!"
And they were merry and jovial, and it was good.
2. The Guido
It was at this point that they recruited the natural badass, Guy Fawkes, to carry out this outlandish plot soon to be called the "Gunpowder Plot." But who was this guy and fellow conspirator? To make it short, he was a well-educated, military-trained master of badassery. It was said of him that he was "a man of action, capable of intelligent argument as well as physical endurance, somewhat to the surprise of his enemies."
He had already spent the last decade fighting in the fucking EIGHTY YEARS WAR for Spain against Protestant rebels, and it was during this time that he started going by the Spanish adaptation of his name. You can imagine the hatred he had of King James I, who had condemned Catholicism as superstition.
To pull this off, he worked in secrecy, going by the name of John Johnson. He wasn't the most imaginative guido. They had purchased the lease to a cellar that led directly underneath the House of Lords, and started packing it up with as much gunpowder to blast the house and king all the way to the moon! The plan would have worked too, if it weren't for those pesky sympathizers that wrote a note to parliament, exposing their plans.
3. The Almost Foiled Execution
At the outcome of their trial, Attorney General Sir Edward Coke declared that each conspirator was to be hung and quartered; a common execution style of that day. He made sure that their execution would be especially humiliating stating that they would be "put to death halfway between heaven and earth as unworthy of both."
On January 31 1606, the Guido watched as 2 of his co-conspirators were hung and mutilated (while barely alive), then dismembered so that their body parts could be distributed to the four corners of the kingdom. Fawkes was the last to stand on the scaffold. He shared a few words to the king (which I can only imagine were "Fuck you, you Scottish bastard!"), climbed as high as he could while rope dangled from his neck, and in one final act of defiance - he leaped and broke his neck ; escaping the same fate that befell his other comrades.
4. We're Not Even Celebrating the Right Guy
The best part about this entire holiday is that Guy Fawkes wasn't even the mastermind. Rather, the credit of this brilliant idea goes to Mr. Robert Catesby, a well-educated descendant of a gentry family that had taken part in two failed attempts to rebel against Queen Elizabeth I. So, why is the celebration named after his underling?
Another pert of the plot was to travel to the English midlands and ATTEMPT to rouse a rebellion against London. Obviously that failed too, but as the group of Catholic conspirators were cornered in a stronghold in Staffordshire, instead of give himself in to captivity, the fearless leader decided to fight back. He was ultimately killed in the ensuing gunfight.
Many suppose the reason this holiday bears Fawkes' likeness is that Fawkes was caught in the act, had to suffer days of torture, and finally revealed the other conspirators to the authorities. This entire holiday is to Segway into #5.
5. The Entire Holiday is Meant to Spread His Shame
Actually it was originally meant to celebrate the King's escape from the failed plot, but I like to think it means the same thing. Why else would effigies of Guy Fawkes be put in these bonfires? Also, why make bonfires celebratory? Is it because of the odd twist of fate that King James was supposed to go down in flames? If so, it makes for awesome and humiliating shame. It was as if English Parliament was simultaneously issuing a gigantic middle finger (or V-Sign in the UK) to the Fawkes for failing, turning his friends in, and being Catholic. There was a lot of bad blood between religions back then.
