So what? That's still more than 3 months away!!
Enjoy!
#1.) The people who complain about changes made to their Wal-Mart.
*Grumble grumble* I can't wait to leave
this stupid job.. *Grumble*
Hey, there's a reason why Wal-Mart is a successful global retailer. Never mind the fact that they grossly under-pay their associates and, at one point in time, offered so few benefits to their employees, they suggested they turn to Government programs for basic health-care. That's right. At some point in time, YOU- Mr. & Ms. Taxpayer, paid for the basic health-care coverage of Wal-Mart employees.
If you haven't seen this documentary... DON'T.
Save yourself an hour and a half of your life
by doing better things!
One of the many things that Wal-Mart does well is marketing. I'm not talking marketing in terms of T.V. commercials. I'm talking more in other functions of marketing like their promotions. For those of you who notice that ANY change in season results in changes of in-store promotions, the holidays should come to no surprise! Football season? Why, take a look at all of these beer, chips, and salsa displays! Spring? Take a look at all our barbecue grills and assortment of charcoal. Yet, for all the seasonal marketing changes, the one that gets the biggest hit is the "holiday" season. You don't ever see people complaining about Mardi Gras, St. Patty's Day, or Easter... (though I do notice how Chanukah and Kwanzaa are almost completely neglected in terms of holiday promotion).
A lot of people would mention that promotion for "the holidays" starts way too early for them. It's a valid point. It's only September 18th and I've already seen 3 Christmas ads and reminders, however, I'm not the person they are targeting with those reminders. I am not what you'd consider an early Christmas shopper. No no no! Those who know me, know I'm an expert procrastinator at all things in life.
I'm so glad I have a sense of humor about
my own love life.
Experts suggest that starting holiday shopping early actually saves you money. Again, I wouldn't know this first-hand because I've never done anything early in my life. Well... some things. For those people who actually do their shopping early, Good for you!! Seriously. You are the ones that these early ads and promotions are targeting. Isn't it nice to know there are money-hungry corporations out there tailoring marketing campaigns just for you? For those who don't like the promotions, calm down! Quit whining about the changes made to your store, and maybe shop at a local mom-and-pop business that wont sell themselves out for corporate greed.
2.) The people who complain about religious displays in public.
Excuse me, sir. Do you have a moment to
talk about... Sir?!
This is a touchy subject because of the issue of religion, so I really hope I don't offend anyone here. I mean everyone has a right to believe in any religious deity, or none at all. Two years ago, Atheists won a small battle in Santa Monica, CA by submitting applications for public displays at a local park. Those displays were once dominated by local churches for the Christmas holiday in a tradition dating back 60 years. In 2011, an Atheist group won bids for 19 out of the 21 spaces, leaving the churches only 2. That sparked what I like to call the "religion" war.
I mean, I get it. Nobody likes it when some jerk comes up to you to try to spread their thoughts and beliefs all over you, no matter the method or message. I have my beliefs and my faith, I don't need someone to come up to me to tell me how they are flawed. Which is why it behooves me to point out that Atheists are just as guilty as the Christians in annoying, dogma-promoting mass marketing.
Hey, don't forget about us. Well, actually..
No, leave us out of it.
What I did like about Santa Monica's religion war was that no concern was made for public displays of the Menorah. And this is the pure genius of how they get a pass on their displays - they weren't really "public." Their displays of the festival of lights were mostly on highly visible private lots of land. This tactic was so amazingly brilliant that the three exceptions that were actually located in public spaces weren't even challenged by any other religion-pusher. This just comes to show, you have a right to worship any way you'd like, just do it in your own space.
3.) The over-flamboyant Christmas Light Displays and the HOA
Oh look! This guy has money to spend.
Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas light displays. I even take part in it myself. What gets to me are the controls enacted by the HOA in some communities. They even sanction fines for people who display lights that are not authorized in their bylaws. Some households with homes located on certain streets are forced to display lights in a tradition called "Candy Cane Lane." Where does it end? How can a group of homeowners have the right to tell an individual what he or she cannot do, especially with Christmas lights? Honestly, that's ridiculous. Now if you'd excuse me, it's time to go Christmas lights shopping.
Or not. I think I'll just stay home
now and reevaluate my
self-worth.
You know those light displays - the ones that make your Saturday morning of setting up lights look like a kindergartner's attempt at duplicating a Van Gogh painting (I'm not sure if that's good or bad). It's as if my neighbors are trying to start (and ultimately win) a Christmas lights arms-race. Did you know that some people go as far as hiring elves or even act as Santa in their own light displays? Better yet, most homes outsource the decorating job to companies that charge $1000 - $1200 on average. Where does that end? More importantly, where do I begin? Well, I can't keep up with the Joneses, time to leave the gig.
4.) The Music
As a former musician, there was no single season I both loved and hated all at the same time. The endless rehearsals of mostly familiar musical arrangements, the ability to impress people by my sight-reading abilities (when I wasn't really sight-reading because I sang that song last year and the year before), and the fact that I got to see my crush in the soprano section on a nearly daily basis - what's not to love about it!? Oh yeah.. the many more music performances in crowded banquet halls where nobody is listening to us, the fact that I was still in college so I was not getting paid for any of that, the fact that my crush never noticed me, and the fact that I sang these same songs last year and the year before.
Then there's the music that I hear most often during the season. It's not that I hate all the music, just the depressing songs. They're called the "holiday blues" for a reason. I'm sure a lot of single people can relate. For those of you who can't, I'm sure it's probably because you're one of those "single-and-loving-it" type people and I appreciate you - you lucky bastard. For those of us hopeless romantics, it sucks. Just imagine it. You've been single most of your life. You've had a handful of relationships, but none have lasted. All of the people on your Christmas shopping list are family, select friends, co-workers, your secret-Santa, but no spouse or significant other this year. Then you go shopping to cross out a few names on your list and a song comes on the department store speakers, and out starts the water works.
4.) The Music
As a former musician, there was no single season I both loved and hated all at the same time. The endless rehearsals of mostly familiar musical arrangements, the ability to impress people by my sight-reading abilities (when I wasn't really sight-reading because I sang that song last year and the year before), and the fact that I got to see my crush in the soprano section on a nearly daily basis - what's not to love about it!? Oh yeah.. the many more music performances in crowded banquet halls where nobody is listening to us, the fact that I was still in college so I was not getting paid for any of that, the fact that my crush never noticed me, and the fact that I sang these same songs last year and the year before.
Then there's the music that I hear most often during the season. It's not that I hate all the music, just the depressing songs. They're called the "holiday blues" for a reason. I'm sure a lot of single people can relate. For those of you who can't, I'm sure it's probably because you're one of those "single-and-loving-it" type people and I appreciate you - you lucky bastard. For those of us hopeless romantics, it sucks. Just imagine it. You've been single most of your life. You've had a handful of relationships, but none have lasted. All of the people on your Christmas shopping list are family, select friends, co-workers, your secret-Santa, but no spouse or significant other this year. Then you go shopping to cross out a few names on your list and a song comes on the department store speakers, and out starts the water works.
Hey! Get a hold of yourself!!
If I had my way, all holiday music would be about the joys of the next season, Spring! Because for those people who have to spend winter in the gloom of being snowed in, blizzards, and over-bearing cold, I could think of nothing better to do but to remind you of better times to come. Never mind that it sometimes comes as late in the year as June.
Why do people sing about love in the holidays anyways? It's almost the equivalent of asking a married couple suffering infertility problems when they will have kids. They might not display it, but deep down it cuts them because it isn't that they don't want kids. Sure, we all want to promote to happy couples of a time to show appreciation towards each other, but we have a whole OTHER depressing corporate holiday for that!
Fuck you too, Mr. Wonka!
I didn't eat the everlasting gobstopper
and I didn't get shit!
5.) Shopping with the other half.
If I hear that Mariah Carey
Christmas song one more fucking time...
Men know this scenario all too well. You're just waking up on a beautiful Saturday morning, preparing yourself for the rigors of putting up Christmas lights when the other half sternly clamors those dreaded four words: "Let's go Christmas shopping!"
How does she know to make those the first words you wake up to that day? There's no "Good morning, hon!" There's no "Hey, you need to mow the lawn." (Arguably a better alternative to shopping, I might add). No! She somehow knows to make shopping the first thought you have that day.
Instinctively you ask her, "How many people are we shopping for" to give yourself an expectation of how long you'll be doing this for. Then she just-as-instinctively replies with a number from 3 - 10 (because she never shops for just 1 or 2 people) but she adds the clever little lie, "It's okay. I already know what I want to get them."
And that's how you end up her bag mule for an entire day.
Sucker!
Shopping, however, doesn't have to be a bad thing, men. Women, if you want your men to enjoy the shopping experience as much as you do, make him more than your bag mule. Share your thoughts with him on what you're looking for and see if he can find it before you therefore, it's a challenge for both parties and will speed up the process of shopping. (You're welcome, fellow gents).
It cannot end there though, ladies. I spent hours helping my ex shop, but most of my suggestions were met with "I already looked at that," or "Eww! No!" This led me to start wandering off and looking at things that suited my tastes or fulfilled my own shopping list. If you want to get your man more involved, be more accepting of his suggestions.
Speaking of the other half, have you already planned out who's doing what and where?
Om nom nom noms
6.) Holiday traditions and the other half.
Who the hell is that guy?
Let's just face it. Everyone has a holiday tradition. Mine is to visit my local bar and order anywhere up to four 7&7's, or whiskey sours, or a mixture thereof throughout the night while I flirt with the bartender (luckily, it's always been a female bartender). That's before my family gets together in front of a large dinner. I've always felt kind of bad for my brothers-in-law at those dinners, because I knew they felt out of place. I'm sure we can all relate to that.
I mean, how long can one possibly keep up with the small talk? And how many times do I have to be cut off while speaking before it's acceptable for me to walk away from the table completely? I've seriously been asked, "Hi Michael, how are things going at Tucson?" and gotten cut off in the middle of the answer by the same fucking person who asked me the question.
There's a large correlation to alcohol consumption and the holiday season, and I think it may be because people are just trying to offset the undue pressures of impressing the family members of the other half. I've seriously attempted to just stay silent and unnoticed for an entire dinner. I was unsuccessful, as her mom pointed out that I wasn't saying much. "Oh, well I was just enjoying watching you guys interact. I think it's fun to learn where she gets her amazing qualities from." (Yeah... bullshit).
As I wrap up my latest rant, I find it near impossible to end this mostly negative view of the holidays on a positive note. There's a chance that many of you have felt this way towards these six things, and there's probably even more of you who are on the other side of my views, and that's alright. I'm sure we all love other parts of the holidays too. Just keep focusing on those things, and perhaps you just might make it.
No comments:
Post a Comment