So I have come up with a new term to
add to my many “isms”, though, I might be taking credit for someone else’s
work. So the term is “Word-Splooge,” and
yeah, it’s as dirty as it sounds. It applies
to situations where someone says the absolute right thing to you at exactly the
right moment that it creates a feeling inside you that brings you instant
resolution for present problems (because they don’t matter anymore) and also
gives you indescribable hope for the future.
Also, you should be pretty sure you just creamed your pants.
Similar to actual sploogeing, it only
ends badly. As you have your hopes risen
for the lamest of reasons, the speaker then makes you regret ever having faith
in that person altogether. I’ve had this
happen so many times, though, I think it’s more my fault because I have a
natural tendency to over-think things anyways.
So there I was, sitting by myself
in a Tucson sushi restaurant when this beautiful brunette woman walks up to me. Let me slow this down for you because this is
exactly how it played out in my head. So
I’m drinking tea from my cup (no straw..
apparently they were out of them) when I look up and notice this woman
is walking towards me. “OMG! She’s
gorgeous!” was my first thought. “Holy
crap, is she looking at me? ARE WE
MAKING EYE CONTACT?!?” were my second
and third thoughts.
There was a moment of awkwardness
then. I might have made a surprised look on my
face during my third thought, like shit like this never happens to me. Admittedly so, it doesn’t.. I’m just throwing that out there for
clarity. I’m not exactly pimpin’ it,
aight? Just then, I notice her outfit is
business casual. Still, everything about
her apparel said “I’m sexy and I know it” just by the way her skirt and blouse gently
accented the curves of her body.
At this point I’m desperately trying
to keep eye contact even though I’m sure she saw that I’ve given her a quick once-over. Yet as she approached me she kept a
friendly-face on, like I was some sort of celeb. I couldn’t blame her, though. I was wearing my suit because it was business
formal day in class. So, yeah, I was GQ-ing
it.
Her lips started moving. Oh, those lips! Dark red and screaming of danger.. I may have just missed every word she said. No wait..
I did! At this point, I’m sure I
creamed my pants, though I can’t be sure because of the tea that landed on me
as I tried to spit a chunk of ice back into my cup - I couldn’t have looked
like a bigger idiot!!!!!! “I’m sorry,
what was that?” I ask her as I try to regain cool points all-the-while desperate
to find out if what she just said was worth it.
“I said, ‘Would you like another
tea?’” she replied to my dismay.
This is the point where I break the imaginary 4th
wall and glare into the camera recording every FML moment of my life. “Yes, I do believe I would. And can you please bring some extra napkins?”
